There is Such a Thing as Normal
These days, we are a happy family. We have our ups and downs but we like being together. We celebrate the highs together, we walk together through the lows, we go to church together, ride our bikes together, we pray, run, play and laugh together.
Nine years ago we were not happy and were struggling to keep it together. For many years prior to that our oldest son was explosively violent, emotionally oppositional and really, really hard to handle. No-one else saw it because it only happened at home. All of the doors were smashed through. All of the pictures, ornaments and moveable furniture were wrecked. His siblings and we as parents were emotionally battered and drained after years of worsening behaviour. It would probably have made a compelling episode of ‘My Violent Child’. Social services, the NHS, the police and schools did their best to help. We had a very supportive Church and a family who took him away for (our) respite care, but in the end it was only a miracle answer to prayer that saved our family.
The miracle is another story for another time.* This blog entry is about a myth which was often repeated to us by well meaning friends who did not live in our pressure cooker. “There’s no such thing as normal”. It was always meant to be helpful – kids act out, boys will be boys, we all go through this stuff, there are ranges of emotions and spectrums of behaviours. There’s no such thing as normal: a kind of post-modern pastoral mantra to cover all situations.
We spent a considerable amount of time on parenting courses. At the time, this was the default course of action when you need to access NHS care for difficult kids. Child led play, clear boundaries, agreed consequences, calm responses; helpful stuff which had always worked fine with our other kids and had never got off the ground with #1. The courses left us feeling frustrated, but one of them had a wonderful learning point right at the very end. We were asked what specific behaviours we needed help dealing with. When we explained, the facilitators were agog: “these kind of courses don’t deal with that kind of stuff”. THAT’S NOT NORMAL.
A light bulb went on for me at that moment. There is indeed a normative range of childhood responses and behaviours. That behaviour was not on the range.. This realisation did not solve the problem, nor did it pinpoint a cause but it did make us realise that it was ok to need abnormal support and abnormal coping strategies for an abnormal situation. From time to time I hear of other families living in pressure cookers of emotion and violence. I often say: that’s not normal. Talk to someone about it. Stop blaming yourself. Take all the help you can get. I wonder whether a realisation of the abnormality of domestic violence could be as helpful for them as it was for me.
Eight years on from the miracle we’re at the point where we can all talk about it. Life IS normal – no violence, no fear and the sweet, daily sense of gratitude and wonder at the way things are now. Lots of people and lots of agencies advised us wisely, friends cared for and prayed for us through those years and God came through with the miracle of our lives. There were a lot of learning points, but one which will always stay with me is this: there is such a thing as normal.
*Episode 42 of Two Pastors in a Pub includes a summary of the miracle of our lives.